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Blonde Jokes: 88 Quips and One Liners No Blonde Will Ever Get

Blonde jokes have been a part of Western culture since time immemorial, or at least since the mid-1700s. Blonde jokes are believed to have originated in a satirical French play that presented the world’s first known iteration of the “dumb blonde”. From there, jokes began, and the humor styling spread across the world. The play on the dumb stereotype makes funny blonde jokes some of the most diverse and entertaining jokes around. There is no circumstance or situation that cannot be turned into a blonde joke. That’s why blonde jokes exist in countless varieties, whether it’s blonde jokes with dark undertones, short and punchy blonde one-liners, or even the kinkier, dirty blonde jokes.

88 Funny and Hilarious Blonde Jokes
Blondes jokes are humorous but harmless quips that originate from the dumb blonde stereotype

Dumb blonde jokes are ingrained in comedy culture and have attained a special status insofar as they are offensive. Indeed, blonde jokes may ruffle a few feathers from time to time, as all good jokes should. However, they are largely innocuous and told purely for a laugh rather than as any form of bullying. Everybody understands that crudeness is integral to a good blonde joke, so they are never taken personally.

The classic blonde jokes range from stories about two blondes who walk into a bar to their adventures shared by a blonde, brunette, and redhead trio. In most instances, the blond is always on the butt end of the joke; however, sometimes, they manage to come out on top.

For generations, blonde jokes were aimed solely at women; however, now, there is an equal number of blond guy jokes doing the rounds. These blonde joke variants are rarely male-specific, but rather a straightforward gender swap in an existing blonde joke.

What is blonde comedy, anyway?

Blonde comedy entails the ways blonde jokes play on a globally accepted cultural stereotype. The concept of the dumb blonde dates back to a French satire performed in 1775. A blonde character embraced the double meaning of the word “dumb,” not only being someone of limited intelligence but also dumb in the form of entertaining the audience with long non-verbal pauses. Blond comedy is a fantastic example of how humor works. Everybody knows that blondes are not all stupid and full of hot air. However, the long-standing stereotype leads everybody to accept that blond jokes are based on a caricature figure, much like a piece of art someone draws down on the boardwalk. 

Additionally, blonde comedy has gained lasting traction thanks to many blonde stars embracing this as part of their celebrity character. The concept of the “blonde bombshell” is a derivative of “the dumb blonde.” Characters such as Marylin Monroe and Diana Doors incorporated this concept into their stage and public personas. As such, the dumb blonde became ingrained in Western culture as a form of factual myth. Many people still hold true to the belief that blondes have more fun and even claim to experience the phenomenon themselves after lightening their hair color. For centuries, blonde hair carried with it the air and ideal of being beautiful and more desirable. Desirability and antiquated social structures contributed to the concept that blondes get by thanks to their looks and, therefore, do not need to worry about working hard. Blonde jokes exaggerate this ditzy nature associated with blondes.

12 funny blonde jokes to get your eyes watering

Funny blonde jokes have entertained people for decades and are showing no sign of losing their appeal. One reason for the lasting allure of funny blonde jokes is that they are something to which everybody can relate. Whether there is truth in the dumb blonde myth is irrelevant; the fact remains that everybody knows it exists.

Most funny blonde jokes see the blonde being on the receiving end of the joke. However, there are some hilarious jokes that see blondes come out on top. When that happens, the joke is often even funnier, given its rarity and how it breaks from the expected format.

Below are 12 funny blonde jokes that are guaranteed to have you crying with laughter.

1. Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.

3. Why can’t you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.

4. If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette because the blonde would have to stop for directions!

5. Blonde: “I’d like to order a pepperoni pizza, please.”
Pizzeria: “Of course, would you like that cut into six or twelve slices?”
Blonde: “Oh, six, please; I could never eat twelve!”

6. A blonde was sitting in a bar, when the nine o clock news came on. There was a story about a suicide jumper in the business district.
Beside her, a brunette says, “I bet you $50 he jumps.”
The blonde quickly agreed. Both ladies put their money on the bar and watch the news.
Eventually, the man jumps to his death. Defeated, the blonde slides the money over to the brunette, who shakes her head.
“Sorry, I can’t take your money. I had already seen the six o’clock news, so I knew he jumped.
The blonde looks at her and says, “Well, I saw the news earlier too, but I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump again.”

7. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

8. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!

9. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she’s got a grenade in her teeth!

10. Blonde: “Do you have any children?”
Colleague: “Yes, I have one that’s just under two.”
Blonde: “I might be blonde, but I know how to count.”

11. Why do blondes always smile when there’s lightning out?
They think somebody is taking their picture.

12. A blonde walks into the bank and asks for a loan of $5,000.
When the bank declines, she offers her car as collateral. The bank manager looks outside and sees a brand new Rolls Royce, so he agrees to the loan.
Five days later, the blonde comes back and pays back the loan and $8.17 in interest.
Before she leaves, the bank manager calls her over and says, “Can I ask you, why did you need that loan?”
“Why?” the blonde asks.
“Well, after you left your car, we saw your name and found out that you are married to one of the richest men in the country. Why did you need to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde smiles and says, “Where else can a girl park her car in the city for five days and only pay $8.17?”

12 great dumb blonde jokes you can’t help but repeat

Dumb blonde jokes are the backbone of all blonde jokes. There are not many blonde jokes that do not play to the dumb blonde stereotype. As a comedic style, dumb blonde jokes create a caricature of blondes based on their stereotypical image. Dumb blonde jokes remain funny because while they are offensive, they have become embraced as a cultural institution.

Below are 12 great dumb blonde jokes everybody can tell.

13. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws’.

14. Why are blonde jokes always short?
So they can remember them!

15. Why did the blonde stand staring at the orange juice in the supermarket?
Because it said “concentrate” on the bottle.

16. How do you confuse a dumb blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

17. How do you get a blonde to burn her ear?
Call her up when she’s doing the ironing.

18. There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island. The nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, got a cramp, and drowned.
The brunette swam 24 miles, got a cramp, and drowned.
The blonde swam for 25 miles but got tired, so she turned around and swam back.

19. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers. She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said “best results with two coats”!

20. What do you call a blonde with a degree?
A liar!

21. Did you hear about the blonde who joined the sea scouts?
Her tent sunk!

22. Two blondes were sitting in the park.
Blonde 1: “Do you know that Christmas is on Friday this year?”
Blonde 2: “Well, hopefully not Friday the 13th.”

23. A man is talking to a blonde in a bar. He puts a penny on the bar.
Man: “Do you see a snake?”
Blonde: “No.”
Man: “It’s a copperhead!”
The man puts a second penny on the bar.
Man: “Do you see a fruit?”
Blonde: “No.”
Man: “That’s a pear!”
The man places a third penny on the bar.
Man: “Do you see a car?”
Blonde: “No.”
Man: “It’s a Lincoln.”
The man puts four pennies on the bar.
Man: “Do you see a naked lady?”
Blonde: “No, and neither will you unless you put another penny down.”

24. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Blonde’s head?
A Space Invader.

5 edgy blonde jokes with dark undertones

Dark blonde jokes are a rare find but carry a lot of weight with those who enjoy dark humor. Dark blonde jokes don’t just need to be morbid but rather broach topics that are often considered taboo or too sensitive to make light of. Oftentimes, dark humor has an air of the macabre to it, but remains suitable for almost all joke-telling instances.

Below are 5 edge blonde jokes with seriously dark connotations.

25. And what do you call a blonde woman who lost 95% of her intelligence?
A widow.

26. What’s blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.

27. Two blondes were walking along. One looked down and said, “Those are deer tracks.”
The other said, “No, those are bear tracks.”
They were still standing there arguing when the train came along and ran over them.

28. What do you call a dead blonde in the freezer?
Her parents called her Louise, so I think we should just stick with that.

29. How many dead blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don’t know, but it certainly isn’t four!

8 of the best one-liner blonde jokes

Blonde one-liners are a hybrid form of a joke. The one-liner aspect is not necessarily the entire joke, but rather the delivery and punchline are both just a single line. There are some funny blonde jokes and literal one-liners, but they are more quips and sayings than outright jokes.

Below are 8 cracking blonde jokes and quirky one-liners that you can freely use wherever you are.

30. What do you give a blonde who has everything?

31. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

32. How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door!

33. What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.

34. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

35. A good blonde secretary is one that never misses a period!

36. I knew a blonde once who thought a quarterback was a refund.

37. My blonde girlfriend takes a ruler to bed to measure how long she sleeps each night.

3 classic “two blondes walk into a bar” jokes

“Two blondes walk into a bar” is the setup for one of the oldest and most iconic blonde jokes ever told. The concept behind two blondes walking into a bar is simple, and shows that a joke doesn’t need to be overly complicated in order to be funny. A simple play on words never fails to draw a hearty laugh from all who listen.

Below are 3 iterations of the classic “two blondes walk into a bar” joke.

38. Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

39. Two dyslexic blondes walk into a bra …

40. Two blondes walk into a bar that serves food and pull out their own sandwiches, but the barman tells them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here.” So they swapped.

“Two blondes walk into a bar” joke explained

The “two blondes walk into a bar” joke is one of the oldest jokes and one that hits all of the key joke-telling points. Every “two blondes walk into a bar” joke tells a story and capitalizes on the different blonde stereotypes, including their promiscuity or their ditzy and gullible nature.

The original “two blondes walk into a bar” explanation is a simple and innocent play on words. The joke starts off by making you think the two blondes are walking into a bar to get a drink. However, the double play with the meaning of the word “bar” helps deliver a punchline that always gets a smirk.

8 short but funny blonde jokes

Short blonde jokes pack a punch and leave a lasting impression. Blonde jokes do not need to be lengthy to be funny. As with almost all forms of blonde jokes, the main focus is on their ditzy nature. Short blonde jokes offer a setup and a punchline, and the great thing is even blondes can remember them.

Below are 8 short but funny blonde jokes anybody can remember.

41. What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been sighted

42. Why do blondes always tiptoe through the chemists?
So as not to wake the sleeping pills.

43. What’s long, hard, and makes blondes moan?
Grade four!

44. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.

45. Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
To remind them that their Toes Go In First.

46. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

47. Did you hear the joke about the blonde midget?
Don’t worry, it’s not big, and it’s not clever.

48. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

10 squeaky clean blonde jokes for any occasion

Clean blonde jokes remove any traces of innuendo or naughtiness and instead focus on the dumb blonde stereotype. Clean blonde jokes are any length and focus on a range of topics, and in almost all instances, the blonde is the butt of the joke. The best clean blonde jokes are those that don’t overstretch themselves.

Below are 10 squeaky clean blonde jokes you can use for all occasions.

49. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?

50. A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.
The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face, replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

51. How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

52. A blonde walks into a hospital and claims that everywhere she touches hurts…
The doctor says, “Ma’am, you have a broken finger.”

53. Why did the blonde keep doing backstroke?
She had just eaten lunch and had heard you should never swim on a full stomach.

54. Why did the blonde declare herself a genius?
She finished a puzzle in 5 hours when the box said 3-5 years.

55. What is five miles long and has an IQ of 40?
A parade of blondes.

56. How can you make a blonde go to the roof?
Tell her that drinks are on the house.

57. A blonde calls an airline and asks, “How long are your flights from America to Australia?”
The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Oh, just a minute….”
The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up.

58. There are eleven people dangling on a broken suspension bridge. Ten of them are blonde, and one is brunette.
They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the bridge will break, and everyone will die.
No one can decide who should go, so finally, the brunette delivers a very touching speech ending with the words, “I’ll get off.”
The blondes are all very moved by her speech and start clapping. Problem solved.

14 stunningly dirty blonde jokes (for adult ears only)

Dirty blonde jokes are a natural extension simply because they play to the stereotype of a blonde’s promiscuous nature. Blonde jokes, or any other joke directed at a particular character are caricatures, exaggerate certain physical or social traits. Dirty blonde jokes deliver a double hit as they often also play on the dumb blonde element.

Below are 14 unforgettable dirty blonde jokes to be told after hours.

59. What do you call a blonde whore standing on her head?
A brunette!

60. What did the blonde’s left ankle say to her right ankle?
Between us, we’ve got a great way to make money.

61. Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.

62. What does a blonde bimbo say to her partner after sex?
Hi honey, I’ll be home in 30 minutes.

63. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you tap it on the head.

64. If a natural blonde spits and a bleached blonde swallows, what does a dirty blonde do?

65. A blonde is playing a game of golf, when she hits an errant shot right at another golfer. The man collapses to the floor, and the blonde rushes over. The man has his hands clenched between his legs and is in agony.
The blonde says, “Oh no, let me make it better.” She unzips his trousers and sucks him off on the fairway.
“Better?” she asks as she wipes her mouth.
“No, I still think you broke my finger!”

66. Why was the blonde depressed when she looked at her driver’s license?
She got an “F” in sex.

67. Why do blondes love giving blow jobs?
Because it’s the only job they are qualified for?

68. What do the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
They are both famous for swallowing seamen!

69. Why are blondes often quiet during sex?
They were taught never to talk to strangers!

70. What do screen doors and blondes have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.

71. What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A bowling bowl only has room for three fingers!

72. Why did the blond keep her pussy shaved?
So her deaf boyfriend could read her lips.

6 bad blond jokes to make your eyes roll

Bad blond jokes are the kind of joke you know will make people groan sooner than laugh. The best you could really hope for is a gentle chortle. Yet, much like the best dad jokes, you can’t help but tell bad blond jokes at every available opportunity. The best bad blond jokes have a full spectrum to move through, as bad jokes are defined by their cheesiness rather than their subject.

Below are 6 of the baddest blond jokes ever told.

73. What do you call a blonde who refuses to shower?
A dirty blonde.

74. What does a blonde name her pet zebra?

75. What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.

76. How do you keep a blonde occupied?
Take her to the mall and ask her to count the steps on the escalator.

77. How can you tell when a blonde’s been using your computer?
You’ll find Wite-Out all over the screen.

78. A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other immediately fills it in.
The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, “You guys look like you’re working hard. But I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish.”
One of the blondes replies, “Well, there’s usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick.”

5 funny blond guy jokes

Blond guy jokes are a more recent addition to the blonde jokes catalog. Jokes aimed at blond guys don’t differ from those that lampoon their female counterparts. Comedy believes that blondes are dumb, regardless of gender. Consequently, there are few jokes aimed specifically at blond men. Rather, the classic blonde woman jokes have the gender and settings altered, and the job’s done.

Below are five funny blond guy jokes that will have you rolling on the floor in laughter.

79. Why was the blonde’s belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.

80. A blonde man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I ‘m not sure what to do… it ‘s for dry hair, and I ‘ve just wet mine.”

81. Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
“What if one explodes before we get there?” one asks
“We’ll lie and say we only found two.” the other answers.

82. A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it ‘s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

83. A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees on the road.
The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

5 hilarious blonde, brunette, and redhead jokes

Blonde, brunette, and redhead jokes offer the trifecta of comedic delivery. Blondes are always the butt of the joke, while brunettes tend to be the more serious and dependable characters. One great thing about blonde, brunette, and redhead jokes is that they tell a story. As a joker, having a story to tell helps you ramp up toward the punchline. You control the narrative, and the better you do it, the deeper people are drawn into the joke.

Below are five examples of hilarious blonde, brunette, and redhead jokes that are too good not to repeat.

84. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into their new apartment and find a puddle on the floor in the kitchen.
The brunette bends down, touches the puddle, and says, “Wow, that feels like cum!”
The redhead bends down, touches the puddle, smells her fingers, and says “Yeah, and it smells like cum too.”
The blonde bends down, puts her finger in the puddle, and licks it clean before saying, “Don’t worry, it’s nobody from around here!”

85. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were stuck on a desert island when one finds a dusty lamp. They rub it, and out pops a genie.
Genie: “I’ll grant you three wishes, one wish each.”
The brunette says, “I wish I was back home with my mum, dad, and sister.”
POOF, she was gone.
The redhead says, “I wish I was back home with my boyfriend and our puppy.”
POOF, she was gone.
The blonde looks around and says, “God, it’s lonely here. I wish I had my friends back.”

86. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The Redhead said, “My boyfriend’s like 7-Up. He’s seven inches long, and he’s always up.”
The Brunette said, “My boyfriend’s like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time.”
The Blonde said, “My boyfriend’s like Jack Daniels.” The Brunette cut in, “You can’t use Jack Daniels. That’s a hard liquor.” A smile crossed the Blonde’s face. “I know.”

87. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Hi, ladies. I’m running a new contest. You have a chance to win a million dollars, a new car, or free drinks for a year.”
He points to a mirror on the wall. “That’s a magic mirror! You just have to look into the mirror and say something about yourself, but it has to be the truth. If not, you disappear forever.”
The girls excitedly agree to play.
The brunette walks up and looks into the mirror, and says, “I’m the best-looking woman in this bar.” The mirror rumbles, and it says she wins a million dollars!
The redhead is super excited, and she looks into the mirror and says, “I am the best kisser in here.” The mirror rumbles, and it says you won a car!
The blonde is very, very excited.
“What do you think you will say?” asks the bartender.
The blonde walks up to the mirror smiling. She looks into it and says, “I think……” and poof, she disappears.

88. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were on a hunting trip. They stay together in a cabin deep in the woods.
On the first day, the brunette goes out hunting and returns back to the cabin with a buck.
The blonde and the brunette are shocked and ask, “How’d you kill a buck!??”
The brunette replied, “I saw the tracks. Then, I followed the tracks. I saw the buck, and then I shot the buck!”
The next day the redhead goes out hunting and returns to the cabin with a moose.
The brunette and blonde are blown away. They ask, “How the heck did you get A MOOSE!???”
The redhead replies, “Well, I saw the tracks. Then, I followed the tracks. I saw the moose, and then I shot the moose!”
So the blonde thinks to herself, how hard can this be? She goes out hunting the next day and returns to the cabin thrashed. Her clothes are ripped, and she’s covered in cuts and bruises and has leaves and mud in her hair.
“What happened!!???” Asked the brunette and redhead.
The blonde replied, “I saw the tracks. Then, I followed the tracks. I saw the train, and then I got hit by the train!”