Cow jokes are a unique brand of comedy that makes cattle central to its theme. Cow jokes and other farmyard humor are not to everybody’s taste because the majority of funny cow jokes are rather childish. Cow jokes for kids account for a large percentage of bovine humor. Even cow jokes that have more topic-specific definitions have a childish nature to them.
Cow jokes come in a multitude of different styles that satisfy many types of humor. Dad cow jokes are another cornerstone of cattle-based jokes; the simplistic and often deadpan delivery style fits perfectly into any comedy-loving father’s joke arsenal. Puns and clever wordplay are a big part of what goes into many cow jokes. There is consequently an udderlying simplicity to cow jokes—be it milking jokes, cheesy pick-up lines, or flirty cow jokes.
The interrupting cow characterizes the quintessential peak of cow jokes, and while other cow knock-knock jokes exist, very few rise above the quality of the bad-mannered bovine.
Cow jokes aren’t all childish, with some cow jokes having a darker side. Darker cow jokes play on the more sinister nature of the bovine trade, prompting quips about beef and dairy production to adult humor that ranges from naughty to downright dirty cow jokes. The range of joke potential with cow and cattle humor is vast, and this lends itself to the longevity of the best cow jokes. Below, we examine 94 cow jokes from witty one-liners and clever cow quotes to longer, story-driven jokes for everyone down at the farmyard.
15 Funny cow jokes you will milk forever
Truly funny cow jokes do not need to be long or overly complicated. The funniest cow jokes are best kept short and sweet. There is an undeniably childish element to cow humor, but at the end of the day, comedy doesn’t need to be sophisticated to be successful. Getting a laugh is the goal of any joke, and if all it takes is a quick pun or basic play on words, then so be it.
Below are 15 of the funniest cow jokes you will ever hear.
1. Why do cows never follow instructions?
Because whatever you say goes in one ear and out the udder!
2. Why should you never try to take a photo of a milking cow?
Because it’s pasteurized before you know it.
3. Why did the farmer put his cows on a pogo stick?
To make a milkshake!
4. What happens if you milk a cow with dementia?
You get milk of amnesia.
5. What do cows do while being milked every morning?
They read the moo-s paper!
6. Where does the farmer go to get medicine for a sick cow?
7. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
It wanted to see udder space!
8. Why don’t cows ever wear flip-flops?
Because they lactose.
9. Did you know that Swiss cows are all religious?
Because their cheese is hole-y.
10. A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.
“Not a bunch, herd,” her friend replied.
“Heard of what?”
“Herd of cows.”
“Of course, I’ve heard of cows.”
“No, a cow herd.”
“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
11. How does a pregnant cow drink her coffee?
12. What do you call a hot cow?
13. What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of
your grant funding.
14. A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
15. Why did the farmer not tell any jokes in front of his cows?
He didn’t want to butcher them!
10 Fabulous cow jokes for kids
Cow jokes for kids account for the majority of cow-based humor. Cow jokes’ emphasis on a more childish type of humor is because you only have so much room to maneuver with the source material. However, it doesn’t mean cow jokes are not funny just because they’re for kids. Simplicity brings great hilarity. Oftentimes people overlook cow jokes for kids when really, they are some of the funniest jokes around.
Below are 10 fabulous cow jokes for kids.
16. Why do people always smile when they see cows?
Because they are very a-moo-sing animals.
17. Why are cows great dancers?
They have all the best moo-ves.
18. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
It’s pasture bedtime!
19. How do you count cows?
With a cowculator!
20. What is a cow’s favorite type of play?
21. Why did the calf fail his test?
He made too many mis-steaks.
22. What do you call a cow that can’t make milk?
A milk dud.
23. What has the lonely cow been up to lately?
24. What do you call a group of cows with a sense of humor?
25. What do you call that’s afraid of everything?
10 Amazing cow dad jokes to make your eyes roll
Cow dad jokes refer to bovine-themed humor for dads. Telling dad jokes of any kind is an art form, and while cow jokes are not necessarily restricted to fathers, the joke coming from an actual dad helps significantly. The true art of telling a dad cow joke is to be as serious as possible with the initial delivery. The secondary element of a successful dad joke is to stay dry with your punchline delivery. Cow dad jokes are intentionally bad, so that aspect needs to be embraced for maximum impact.
Below are 10 amazing cow dad jokes guaranteed to make your eyes roll.
26. Where would you find a cow who’s having a really bad day?
27. Why do you call a grumpy cow?
28. Where do cows eat lunch?
In the calfeteria.
29. What do you call a funny cow?
30. Why did the farmer lose his cows?
He didn’t, they were just ca-moo-laged.
31. The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
32. Why are cows so competitive?
Because the steaks are high.
33. What do you name a fat cow?
A Big Mac.
34. Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
35. How did the farmer find the missing cow?
He tractor down.
4 Hilarious cow knock-knock jokes to keep you laughing
Cow knock-knock jokes are a natural extension of bovine humor. Very few comedy topics do not have their own brand of knock-knock humor. The classic cow knock-knock joke involves a rather rude and bad-mannered cow. Meanwhile, the best cow knock-knock jokes are simple and don’t try to overcomplicate themselves. The jokes are what they are and make no excuses for themselves.
Below are four hilarious cow knock-knock jokes to keep you laughing until the cows come home.
36. Knock, knock!
Candy cow jump over the moon!
37. Knock, knock!
Cow says who?
Don’t be silly, a cow says Mooooo!
38. Knock, knock!
Cow much longer are you going to put up with these jokes?
39. Knock knock.
7 Incredible cow one-liners to put a smile on your face
Cow one-liners are short, sharp, and snappy jokes. Cow one-liners are ordinarily more wordplay based than out-and-out jokes. One-liners are no less worthy of humor than any other joke. Cow one-liners require a deft touch and a quick mind. Short single-line jokes have no set-up and, as such, must be thrown into the conversation at a moment’s notice. Using cow one-liners effectively is consequently an under-appreciated skill.
Below are 7 incredible cow one-liners that will leave a smile on your face all day long.
40. An udder day, an udder dollar.
41. Farmers don’t need to worry about taxes. They have the best ac-cow-tants.
42. What did the surfing cow say? Cow-abunga.
43. If that cow doesn’t quiet down, I’ll have to push its moo-te button.
44. Is a cow in an earthquake called a milkshake?
45. If you feel like you’ve herd all these cow puns before, you probably have deja-moo.
46. It’s cow or never, dudes.
7 Sensational cow pick-up lines for the bravehearted
Cow pick-up lines are romantic, cattle-themed one-liners. Cow pick-up lines are best used by those experienced in such matters and who are unafraid of the potentially catastrophic repercussions. Cows are not known for being the most romantic or sensual animals. Creating cow pick-up lines is hard work, and it takes a brave soul to actually use them. Furthermore, the skill of a true comedian is reading a room. Cow pick-up lines are not something to crack out often, but when the right opportunity arises, it is best to be prepared. After all, fortune favors the bold.
Below are 7 sensational cow pick-up lines for the truly bravehearted.
47. You are udderly beautiful.
48. Are you a bull? Because I want to ride you.
49. Do you know a cow can lick its nose? I can’t lick mine, but I can lick yours.
50. I will worship you like how they worship a cow in India.
51. You know, a cow’s horns aren’t the only thing that is pointy.
52. I wish I were a cow so that you would be the first person I see every morning.
53. I would give your father at least ten cows to have you as my wife.
5 Fun and flirty cow jokes for when you need it most
Flirty cow jokes are not the most natural form of cow-based humor. There is very little room or need for flirting to involve cows unless you have a specific audience or live in a farming community. Flirty cow jokes fall into a similar niche of seldom-used cow-themed humor as cow pick-up lines. As a result, flirty cow jokes need to be handled by a skilled joker who has the utmost confidence in their abilities. The results will otherwise be less than desirable for the jokester.
Below are 5 fun and flirty cow jokes best reserved for in case of emergency.
54. What did the cow say at the end of his date?
I would love to graze your field.
55. What’s the similarity between me and your bull?
We’re both really horn-y.
56. You must work on a dairy farm?
How do you know?
You’ve got amazing calves!
57. What do cows say on a date?
I am udderly captivated by you.
58. How do cows pay for dinner when out on a date?
They calf it!
6 Absurdly dirty cow jokes just because
Dirty cow jokes are a must because any joke set benefits from a subset of dirty and adult-only jokes. The true art of understanding dirty cow jokes is not in memorizing them but in knowing how and when to use them. For example, dirty cow jokes do not always need to be sexual, but they generally consist of innuendo and vulgarity in some form. Cow jokes additionally lend themselves naturally to adult-based humor due to the prevalence of words like udders, teats, milking, and horns.
Below are 6 absurdly dirty cow jokes that you need to know simply because they exist.
59. Ducks go quack,
Cows go moo,
Let me stick it in
And you’ll go, “Oooooh.”
60. What did the bull say when he saw the cow’s udders?
I’m gonna milk you for all you’re worth.
61. What do you call a cow with two legs?
62. I was having dinner at my boss’s house.
His wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?”
I said, “Just one, please.”
She said, “Oh, come on, don’t be so polite!”
I said, “Ok. Just one, you ugly cow.”
63. The wife says to her husband: “Bulls can have sex more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
To which the husband replied: “Just remember they do it with more than one cow…”
64. What do you call a bull having a wank?
Beef strokin’ off.
What is the classic interrupting cow joke?
The classic interrupting cow joke is a joke that has many variations that depend on timing and phrasing. No list of funny cow jokes could be complete without an interrupting cow joke due to the involved set-up. There are many different ways to set up the style of humor, but you must be considerate of when you implement it and what cow-themed phrases you employ. For example, the trick with telling the ultimate childhood cow knock-knock joke is in your timing. A lack of timing is also something to consider if you want to give the interrupting cow joke a dry or deadpan spin.
One of the first knock-knock jokes we learn as kids is the interrupting cow. The joke is one that incorporates several humor elements, namely the knock-knock set-up and the art of dramatic timing. Kids revel in being able to interrupt an adult as part of a joke. Interrupting people is rude, so that fact alone adds an extra element of fun and naughtiness to the joke. Kids feel as though they are getting away with something while still staying within the boundaries of what is acceptable.
Below is the classic setup for the interrupting cow joke.
65. Knock knock.
6 Unforgettable milking jokes to crack you up
Milking jokes are a natural extension of cow jokes because cows produce milk. Milking jokes are not the most common form of cow humor, but enough of the jokes for them to warrant inclusion. Milking humor instinctively lends itself to more adult themes. However, there are plenty of great milking jokes that are suitable for use in any situation.
Below are 6 unforgettable milking jokes that will crack you up time and time again.
66. A farmer was milking his cow.
At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cow’s ear.
Shortly after, the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.
“Huh,” said the farmer. “In one ear, out the udder.”
67. Where do Russians get their milk from?
68. Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmer milks them dry.
69. What is the trickiest part about making skimmed milk?
Throwing a full-grown cow across the lake.
70. Did you hear about the cow who just sprays her milk everywhere?
She is an udder failure.
71. Why did the farmer wear a peg on his nose when he milked his cow?
Because of the aroma from the dairy air.
6 Succulent beef jokes best served medium rare
Beef jokes are a niche area due to their specificity. Good beef jokes are hard to find, but those that do exist never fail to get a laugh. The best beef jokes are a collection of different joke styles, from dad-ish humor to those of a more adult persuasion. Cow humor, and especially beef jokes, are never going to be the backbone of your comedy routine. However, sprinkle a few beef-themed humor in from time to time, and they keep people guessing and, most importantly, giggling.
Below are 6 succulent beef jokes that your audience will eat up with glee.
72. Why did the two cows get into a fight?
Because they had beef!
73. Why was one cow spying on the other?
Because it was on a steak out.
74. What do you get if you cross a cow and a rooster?
75. What do cows say when they apologize to one another?
Sorry, I made a mis-steak.
76. What did the cow say to the angry farmer?
Please calm down, or else we’re going to have beef!
77. What do bulls wear on their feet when it’s raining?
5 Great bull jokes to cap off your routine
Bull jokes are a variation of cow jokes that center on the male counterpart of the species. Bull-themed jokes bring to mind adult phrases. However, the best bull jokes are far more child friendly. Bull jokes are heard on playgrounds and around dinner tables. Good bull humor is consequently something everybody can enjoy, though there are some bull jokes that are for a more mature audience.
Below are 6 great bull jokes that help round off your routine.
78. Why do bulls wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
79. What’s another name for a sleeping bull?
80. What do you call a bull with a nervous twitch?
81. Did you hear about the cow that wasn’t interested in bulls?
She was a Ho-Moo-Sexual.
82. How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cut up his credit card!
6 Sweet dairy jokes that are the cream of the crop
Dairy jokes are a natural extension of cow humor. Dairy jokes are somewhat limited in their numbers but offer a robust selection of joke styles, from puns and dad jokes to more tongue-in-cheek jokes that will undoubtedly cause a few blushes in your audience. It’s reasonable to assume that dairy jokes are just an offshoot of milking jokes. However, dairy jokes have enough style to be their own dedicated niche as our selection exemplifies.
Below are 6 sweet dairy jokes that show the cream really does rise to the top.
83. Did you hear about the cow that went on a round-the-world trip?
It was legend-dairy.
84. What would we call a cow who won a beauty pageant?
A dairy Queen.
85. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
86. What did Gladdis the Cow say to Brenda the Cow when her boyfriend, Bull, cheated on her?
87. What did the bull ask the cow on her way to the dairy?
Hey, moo, got milk?
88. What did the cow say to his nan?
Are you my dairy godmother?
5 Funny cow quotes to make you chuckle
Puns and funny cow quotes are a method of getting a chuckle without having to go through an entire joke. Funny cow quotes provide ample scope for subject and execution. The quotes consist of everything from puns to silly questions that will always be a hit with a younger audience. Not all jokes or attempts at humor need to be high-brow. The low-hanging fruit is sometimes exactly what you need in order to break the ice and ease into the edgier material in your repertoire.
Below are 5 funny cow quotes that will make you and your audience chuckle.
89. Do dwarf cows give condensed milk?
90. Why does a brown cow give white milk when it only eats green grass?
91. A cow is best seen but not herd!
92. A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar.
93. Kiss me until the cows come home!
94. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?