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75 Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts, and Norrisisms

Chuck Norris jokes are an internet sensation that began on the Something Awful forum back in 2005. Norris was the second celebrity after Vin Diesel to get the fake facts treatment. Chuck Norris jokes were only intended for a quick one-time affair. However, they caught like wildfire and swept through pop culture, embedding themselves into the 21st-century zeitgeist.

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

The best Chuck Norris jokes play on Chuck’s tough guy persona and amplify it to near-superhuman levels. Chuck Norris jokes need to be absurd in order to be truly effective. Chuck Norris jokes, or Chuck Norris facts, are unlike regular jokes as they have no real punchline. They are not so much jokes as random statements of fictional achievements.

Authentic Chuck Norris jokes take many forms. There are short one-liners and longer stories, and those jokes that are presented as real Chuck Norris facts. Additionally, there are dirty Chuck Norris jokes, all of which continue to play on the tough-as-nails character he often portrays.

Chuck Norris jokes have been thriving for over fifteen years, and new facts are still being created to this day. One funny and genuine Chuck Norris fact is that the man himself is not overly fond of the jokes and was known to get quite irate when filming The Expendables, and everybody was on set calling out different Chuck Norris facts all day long.

With Chuck Norris jokes gaining such popularity, the internet created a secondary crazy of anti-Chuck Norris facts. These statements take the more popular Chuck Norris facts and turn them on their head. Instead of demonstrating his feats of daring and heroism, they play on his age and frailties. While not as popular, anti-Chuck Norris facts deserve their place in culture and show the depth in which these facts have been rooted. Below are 75 of the internet’s greatest Chuck Norris jokes, factoids, and embellishments.

15 of the best Chuck Norris jokes ever told

The best Chuck Norris jokes are ingrained into current pop culture, and there is no true explanation as to how it happened. Thanks to the internet and online virality, Chuck Norris jokes caused a groundswell that continues to surge as a niche form of humor unto itself. Chuck Norris was a major action star of the 1970s and 1980s before finding longer-lasting fame as the star of Walker, Texas Ranger. However, the myths that surrounded Chuck Norris created a character far larger than reality, and from here, Chuck Norris jokes found their footing and rose to such monumental prominence.

Below are 15 of the best Chuck Norris jokes ever created.

1. Why doesn’t Chuck Norris have a kitchen in his home?
Because revenge is a dish best-served cold.

2. Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

3. Chuck Norris was exposed to Covid-19.
As a result, Covid-19 had to isolate for 14 days.

4. Chuck Norris didn’t call the wrong number.
You answered the wrong phone.

5. When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.

6. Why does Chuck Norris not believe in the periodic table of elements?
Because surprise is the only element he needs.

7. When Alexander Graham Bell first invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris

8. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Chuck Norris.

9. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

10. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

12. Why does Chuck Norris always win at hide and seek?
Because you don’t find Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds you!

13. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. He is always waiting.

15. If Chuck Norris were on The Titanic, the iceberg would have dodged the ship.

15 undeniable Chuck Norris facts

Chuck Norris facts are the original form of Chuck Norris jokes. Originating via online forums, Chuck Norris facts never intended to have the longevity they found. The same forum started with Vin Diesel facts, before starting on Chuck. The Chuck Norris facts struck a chord and spilled over into something that has become a part of pop culture in the twenty-first century.

Below are 15 undeniable (yet completely false) Chuck Norris facts.

16. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased by 13,000 percent.

17. Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After days of excruciating pain, the cobra passed away.

18. Fun fact: Chuck Norris counted to infinity … twice!

19. Chuck Norris’s mother tried to have an abortion.
The procedure resulted in the doctor being knocked unconscious by Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris was born on May 6th, 1945.
The Nazis surrendered on May 7th, 1945; this is not a coincidence.

21. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris has never cheated death.
He always wins fair and square.

22. Chuck Norris has a bear rug on his lounge floor.
The bear is still alive, it is just afraid to move.

23. Chuck Norris once pissed in the fuel tank of a semi-truck as a joke.
That truck is now known as “Optimus Prime.”

24. Chuck Norris trained to be an astronaut.
That’s why we’ve never found life on Mars.

25. In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing, and the universe was born.

26. Chuck Norris died twenty years ago. It’s just that death has not yet built up the courage to tell him.

27. Chuck Norris skipped school one day. That day has forever since been known as Sunday.

28. Chuck Norris once made a happy meal cry.

29. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, then it’s beef.

30. Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss. It’s never been seen since.

15 hilarious Chuck Norris one-liners

Chuck Norris one-liners are short sharp sentences that present funny ‘facts’ about Chuck Norris. The best thing about Chuck Norris one-liners is that they get progressively more outrageous as time goes on, yet they always have a slight realism about them. Chuck Norris one-liners may be completely made up, but leave you thinking that if anybody could do something outrageous, it would be Chuck Norris.

Below are 15 hilarious Chuck Norris one-liners you’ll be telling forever.

31. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

32. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

33. Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament with both arms tied behind his back.

34. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

35. When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.

36. Chuck Norris makes a lot of money selling his urine, it is called Red Bull.

37. Chuck Norris knows exactly what to do with ‌drunken sailors early in the morning.

38. Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and he got one.

39. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

40. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

41. Somebody asked Chuck Norris how many press-ups he could do, and Chuck Norris replied, “all of them”.

42. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

43. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

44. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

45. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

10 Chuck Norris dirty jokes for after hours

Chuck Norris dirty jokes are not the most commonplace form of Chuck Norris facts. Chuck Norris is a tough guy and usually has a gruff but clean persona. However, the internet turns anything dirty after a time, including Chuck Norris jokes.

Below are 10 of the best dirty Chuck Norris jokes perfect for an after-hours comedy session.

46. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, they are now just called “The Islands.”

47. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

48. Chuck Norris invented the internet, so he had a place to store all of his porn.

49. There’s a 99.9% chance Chuck Norris is your biological father.

50. Chuck Norris only has sex once a month because when he does, all women bleed.

51. A rumor that Chuck Norris is gay is the reason Waldo went into hiding!

52. There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.

53. Chuck Norris never has sex because nobody fucks with Chuck Norris!

54. Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex because they are doing the same thing.

55. Why does Chuck Norris always go on top when having sex?
Because he never fucks up!

10 funny Chuck Norrisisms you need to know

Chuck Norrisisms is a term coined by the internet to include the trend of short Chuck Noris facts and jokes. The thing about Chuck Norrisisms is that they are not quicks from Chuck Norris but rather fictional ‘facts’ about him and his life. Chuck Norris is a cult hero to many after becoming an action hero known for his over-the-top martial arts moves and near superhero-level abilities on the big screen.

Below are 10 funny Chuck Norrisisms that everybody needs to know.

56. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

57. When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

58. Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

59. Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pen and paper.

60. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

61. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin. That is how the giraffe was discovered.

62. Chuck Norris seasons his steak with pepper spray.

63. Chuck Noris doesn’t do push-ups. Instead, he just pushes the earth down.

64. Time waits for no man. But always waits for Chuck Norris.

65. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

10 chuckle-worthy anti-Chuck Norris jokes

Anti-Chuck Norris jokes are an internet creation that combats the surging tide of Chuck Norris jokes. The concept behind anti-Chuck Norris jokes is they present an alternative answer to some of the internet’s most common Chuck Norris facts. Chuck Norris jokes paint the picture of Chuck being tough as nails and badass, while anti-jokes try to create an image of a weak and somewhat seditious old man.

Below are ten chuckle-worthy examples of anti-Chuck Norris jokes.

66. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he’s actually aged.

67. Chuck Norris’ semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.

68. When it comes to Chuck Norris, the term FACTS is an acronym for Fabrications And Completely Thoughtless Statements.

69. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares at them… and cries.

70. The only reason Chuck Norris is so homophobic is that he’s taken way too many blows to the head.

71. Chuck Norris actually created a second martial art. It’s called Dil-Do, the art of fucking oneself.

72. Behind Chuck Norris’s beard is a pasty, withered, bigoted old man.

73. Chuck Norris actually died 12 years ago. He certainly smells like it, and his level of brain function is a clear indication.

74. Chuck Norris doesn’t eat food. He’s already too full of himself.

75. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. They started a game of hide-and-seek as kids, and Chuck never finished counting to ten.

How did Chuck Norris jokes start?

Chuck Norris jokes started in 2005 as part of a planned series of celebrity fact jokes on the Something Awful internet forum. Chuck Norris jokes began after a round of the same occurred for actor Vin Diesel. For unknown reasons, Chuck Norris jokes took off on the Something Awful forums and created a humorous groundswell that continues today.

How did Chuck Norris get famous?

Chuck Norris first became famous through his karate exploits. Chuck Norris won the world middleweight karate championship in 1968; a title he held for six consecutive years. Following this, Hollywood called. Chuck Norris’s breakthrough movie was Breaker! Breaker!, which was released in 1977. His second movie, Good Guys Wear Black, was released in 1978. Both movies were well received and set Chuck Norrris on the road to superstardom.

How tough is Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris is a legitimate tough guy. Chuck Norris holds black belts in seven different martial arts and was the World Karate Champion for six consecutive years through the late 1960s and early 1970s. Today, Chuck Norris is 83 years old, but would still not be someone to mess with.

Did Chuck Norris do his own fight scenes?

Yes, Chuck Norris did the majority of his own stunts in his movies. Chuck Norris had the necessary knowledge and skills to perform his own stunts because he is a highly trained and decorated martial artist. However, Chuck Norris has not done every single stunt in every movie he has ever made.

How many black belts does Chuck Norris have?

Chuck Norris is a black belt in 7 different martial arts. Furthermore, Chuck Norris is a tenth-degree black belt in two of those martial arts.

Below are the 7 different martial arts in which Chuck Norris holds a black belt.

  • Chun Kuk Do: Chuck Norris is a 10th-level black belt in Chun Kuk Do, also known as the Chuck Norris System.
  • American Tang Soo Do: Chuck Norris is a 10th-level black belt in American Tang Soo Do.
  • Taekwondo: Chuck Norris is an 8th-degree black belt in Taekwondo.
  • Kyokushin Budokai: Chuck Norris is an 8th-degree black belt in Kyokushin Budokai.
  • Karate: Chuck Norris is a 5th-degree black belt in Karate.
  • Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: Chuck Norris is a 3rd-degree black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
  • Judo: Chuck Norris holds a black belt in judo.

Was Chuck Norris a real Texas Ranger?

No, Chuck Norris was not a real Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris played a fictional Texas Ranger named Cordell Walker in the television show Walker, Texas Ranger. However, in 2010, Chuck Norris was made an honorary Texas Ranger in a ceremony that honored his career-defining role as well as all of his contributions in and around the state of Texas.

Is Chuck Norris his real name?

No, Chuck Norris is not his real name. Chuck Norris was born Carlos Ray Norris. Norris changed his name after he was stationed at a military base in South Korea, where he was given the nickname Chuck. This moniker has stuck with him for the rest of his life.