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48 Little Johnny Jokes for Your Collection (from Clean to Dirty)

Little Johnny jokes are versatile and hilarious wisecracks about a candid little boy named Johnny. Little Johnny jokes are a universal, intergeneration hit, even though the character’s name changes from place to place. Often, these jokes are taught to the younger generation by the older. This a wonderful irony, given that Little Johnny is traditionally the one who outwits his elders in the joke.

Funny and dirty Little Johnny jokes
Little Johnny jokes are humorous setups featuring a mischievous young boy named Johnny

The best jokes tell a story, and Little Johnny jokes have maintained their longevity thanks to their versatility and the stories they tell. Little Johnny jokes tell stories that grow with the generation, aging to a point, only to be reborn, fresh and updated, ready for the next generation of budding jokesters to learn.

The everlasting variability of Little Johnny jokes is evident in the way the jokes are easily customized to suit a variety of tastes. The best Little Johnny jokes are those that both tell a short story and succinctly capture the cheeky and often rude nature of each generation’s Johnny.

Great Little Johnny jokes follow a set format – a conversation between adult and child – but vary greatly on length and topic. Many short Little Johnny jokes last just a line or two, whereas others run for several paragraphs; neither is funnier than the other, but each tell their story in their own way.

The same latitude applies to vulgarity in Little Johnny jokes. Little Johnny jokes are often vulgar, and always far too inappropriate for a child of Johnny’s age. That’s part of what makes these dirty Little Johnny jokes so much fun. Then, you have the clean Little Johnny jokes. For many, these PG-rated jokes are the preferred style: they are humorous without vulgarity or even the need for cursing of any kind.

Little Johnny jokes continue to stand the test of time regardless of the joke’s subject, and are sure to be told for many more generations to come.

What is a Little Johnny joke?

A Little Johnny joke is a cultural classic that appears in many different forms around the world. The classic Little Johnny joke often revolves around a conversation between a parent or teacher and a cheeky child that goes by the name of Johnny. Johnny is a crude and petulant fellow, who speaks and thinks in ways far beyond his years. Little Johnny jokes take various forms, but they often result in Little Johnny outsmarting or outwitting his elders.

13 of the best Little Johnny jokes

The best Little Johnny jokes tell a funny story about a wise-cracking little kid named Johnny. Kids love Little Johnny jokes because Johnny always comes off better in the battle of wits with his elders. Johnny is a rebel, who appeals to kids and but also serves as a teaching method for how not to behave. Little Johnny jokes are a rite of passage for many young jokers, and help teach the concept of humor through situational story and circumstance rather than static jokes with no context. The best Little Johnny jokes do not follow rules, and may contain both profanity and vulgarity.

Below are 13 of the best Little Johnny jokes ever told.

1. During English class, the teacher asks Little Johnny, “Have you ever heard of the word contagious before?”
“Of course, miss,” Johnny replies, “my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday”.
“Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?”
“Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbor take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said ‘it’s going to take the contagious to pick all that up’.”

2. Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
Johnny is relieved. “That’s good to know,” he says, “Because I haven’t done my homework.”

3. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life, and asked him, “Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?” He answered, “Like the moon,” and the teacher said, “That’s such a beautiful answer because it’s calm and peaceful.” Little Johnny said, “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”

4. The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then Little Johnny says, “Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, ‘Jesus Christ are you still in there!?’”

5. Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.”
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster, and two police officers.”

6. Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

7. Teacher: “It’s the fourth time you’re late for school this week Johnny! Do you know what that means?!”
Little Johnny: “That it’s Thursday, Miss Bramwell.”

8. Teacher: “How much is half of 8?”
Little Johnny: “Up and down or across?”
Teacher: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “Well, up and down makes a 3, or across the middle leaves a 0!”

9. Teacher: “What is an island?”
Little Johnny: “A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.”
Teacher: “On one side?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, on top!”

10. Teacher: “If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?”
Little Johnny: “That’s not fair, you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!”

11. Mother: “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Little Johnny: “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

12. Little Johnny’s neighbor just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.
When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.
Johnny’s dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word “ears,” he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the baby’s lack of ears.
Johnny looks in the bassinet and says, “Wow, what a beautiful baby.” The mother replies, “Why, Thanks, Johnny.” Johnny says, “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?”
“Yes,” says the mum, “we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.”
“That is great,” says Little Johnny, “cause he’d be stuffed if he needed glasses!”

13. At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother, he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Johnny greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug!”

14 Hilarious but short Little Johnny jokes

Little Johnny jokes can be both short and hilarious. Not every story is an epic and there are plenty of times that story-driven jokes are told in a condensed format. It still involves a short conversation, but usually one that ends rapidly by the quick-witted and often dirty-minded Little Johnny. A short Little Johnny joke packs the same punch as its longer variants, and could even be made longer should time permit. However, if you’re looking for something short to get a quick laugh, a short Little Johnny joke get the job done.

Below are 14 hilarious but short Little Johnny jokes guaranteed to get a few laughs at any occasion.

14. Teacher: “Johnny can you use a sentence with ‘definitely’ in it?”
Little Johnny: “Do farts have lumps in them?”
Teacher: “Of course not Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “Then I’ve definitely shat myself!”

15. The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then the teacher asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

16. Little Johnny’s father asked for his report card. Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.” “Why not?” his father asked. “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

17. Teacher: “Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?”
Johnny: “No miss, my mother is a really good cook.”

18. Little Johnny’s teacher said, “Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister’s.” Did you copy hers?”
Johnny replied, “No, teacher, it’s the same dog!”

19. Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?” Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”! The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?” Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”

20. Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher: “Little Johnny, may I go to the bathroom?” Little Johnny: “But I asked first!”

21. Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers, miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

22. Teacher: “Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody else is interested?”
Little Johnny: “A teacher, miss.”

23. English teacher asks the class: “Which tense is the sentence ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’?”
Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”

24. Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tommy’s test paper.” Johnny: “I hope you didn’t see me either.”

25. Teacher: “Where’s the English Channel?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

26. Teacher: “Who can tell me where Hadrian’s Wall is?”
Little Johnny: “I suspect it’s around Hadrian’s garden!”

27. The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was Johnny’s turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. Johnny replied, “That’s easy. A Jack.”

11 Squeaky clean Little Johnny jokes

Squeaky clean Little Johnny jokes are the all-ages version of the beloved fictional jokester. Little Johnny jokes are frequently rude and push the boundaries a little. The vulgarity and cursing in Little Johnny jokes are ill-suited to the age of their titular character. However, not all Little Johnny jokes are like that. There are plenty of good, clean Little Johnny jokes that get just as much of a laugh as any of their dirtier counterparts.

Below are 11 squeaky clean Little Johnny jokes that never fail to generate a chuckle.

28. Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says,
“Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

29. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

30. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

31. During a concert, Little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.
A friend asks: “Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?”
Johnny replies: “I got a ticket from my sister.”
The friend asks: “And where is your sister?”
Johnny says: “Back at home, looking for her ticket.”

32. The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “I do,” said Johnny, “it means the car won’t start.”

33. The visiting Bible school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening, the Head replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”

34. Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays. After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher, “Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”

35. A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, “He was born in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”
“From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?'”

36. Teacher: “What is the most common phrase used in school?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know!”
Teacher: “Correct!”

37. A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

38. Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. “Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!”
She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.”
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had a look of obvious relief on his young face.
“Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
“I didn’t have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: ‘FOR THE SICK.'”

10 Dirty Little Johnny jokes

Dirty Little Johnny jokes are an extra crass version of the traditional rambunctious Little Johnny jokes. Little Johnny is wise beyond his years, and has an in-depth knowledge of how the world works. Pay attention to your audience before telling dirty Little Johnny jokes so you don’t offend anyone. While may of Little Johnny’s adventures are meant for younger ears, his dirtier escapades are only to be told to those with a mature disposition.

Below are 10 dirty Little Johnny jokes that always deliver.

39. Little Johnny was sitting in English class when the teacher started talking about grammar. Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?” The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”

40. So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “Teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students leave the classroom, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.” She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: “That motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”

41. While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening, as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

42. Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” His mother replies, “The stork brings them.” Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

43. Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “Hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says, “I’m filling your mom‘s tank.” Johnny says, “Oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milkman filled her up this morning.”

44. Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just, uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers’ girlfriend having sex and then asks him, “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We’re making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How’d you know!?!?” and Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch.”

45. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, “Now Johnny that is NOT the proper word to use in the situation. The correct word you want is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says ” You’re an eight but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”

46. Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name, class, remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds, Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

47. Two children, Little Johnny and Alex, were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly.
Little Johnny: “Why are you crying?”
Alex: “I came here for a blood test.”
Little Johnny: “So? Are you afraid?”
Alex: “No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.”
After hearing this, Johnny started weeping, making Alex feel surprised as well as curious.
Alex: “Why are you crying now?”
Little Johnny: “I came for a urine test!”

48. A young female teacher was giving her class of six years old students a quiz: “Behind my back, I’ve got something red, round, and you can eat it. What is it?” she asked.
“An apple,” replied Raymond.
“No,” said the teacher, “It’s a tomat,o but it shows you thinking. Now, I’ve got something round, which is a greenish color, and you can eat it.”
“An apple,” replied Ian,
“No, it’s an onion, but it shows you thinking.”
Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class says, “I’ve got something under my desk that is inch-long, white, and has a red end.”
“Dirty Little Boy” said the teacher.
“No, it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking,” he answered.

Do Little Johnny jokes exist all around the world?

Yes, Little Johnny jokes exist in cultures all over the world. The only core change made to Little Johnny jokes is to substitute the child’s name for whatever acts as the ‘common’ or ‘everyday’ name for a little boy in that country.

Below is the translation of Little Johnny’s character’s name in jokes in ten different countries.

  • Netherlands: Jantje
  • Argentina: Jaimito
  • Mexico: Pepito
  • Germany: Fritzie
  • France: Toto
  • Finland: Pikku-Kalle
  • Senegal: Mandemba
  • Indonesia: Budi
  • Italy: Pierino
  • Sri Lanka: Amdan

One interesting fact about Little Johnny jokes is that traditionally, these jokes don’t exist in Norway. Instead, the Norwegians make fun of all children, except for one. In recent years, variants of Little Johnny jokes have started to appear as people become aware of different cultural traditions and customs.