We’re all afraid of something. Spiders, the government, clowns, the clowns in government, commitment; and while all fears are valid, there’s a few out there that are pretty hilarious.
Though it’s wrong to mock someone in the throes of terror, unless they’re making a really amusing face, the ability to laugh at a strange fright is helpful to the healing process, since even sufferers often admit that these deep-seated anxieties often come from a place that’s as much amusing as it is abhorrent.
If nothing else, these 32 entertaining fears will help you pretend that your fright at Hummel figurines is totally normal.
Syngenesophobia – Fear of Relatives
We can all suffer from this around the holidays. It’s the fear of relatives or those who share our bloodline. It’s often caused by troubled relationships in the family, making anyone who shares familial traits a frightening specter.
Papaphobia – Fear of The Pope
Xanthophobia – Fear of Yellow
Hal Jordan as the Green Lantern had quite a lot of this, since yellow was his only weakness. The color most commonly associated with fear can actually cause it. Alanis would say that’s ironic, because it isn’t.
Lipophobia – Fear of Becoming Fat
Not just the fear of fat on your steak, or of being trapped on a plane with an overweight person who might decide cannibalism is the way to go after a crash, this is the dire fear of eventually gaining weight. Not to be confused with Anorexia Nervosa, which is an offshoot of OCD.
Linonophobia – Fear of String
Forget a career as a professional yo-yoer, a seamstress, tailor, or master quilter if you’re a linonophobic. In spite of the name, sufferers have shown no aversion to string theory, which makes physics a possible alternative job path.
Zemmiphobia – Fear of The Great Mole Rat
While these people tend to be afraid of all naked mole rats, the fear itself is of “The Great” mole rat, which, as far as modern science knows, isn’t a real thing.
Arachibutyrophobia – Fear of Peanut Butter Sticking to the Roof of One’s Mouth
A highly specific fear, but one that takes on a deeply physical sensation, sufferers say they often feel trapped should peanut butter stick to the roof of their mouth and worry it will do permanent damage to their palate by removing it forcefully.
Xerophobia – Fear of Dryness
If you insist on keeping a set of redundant humidifers going in your home and can’t even look at pictures of a desert, you might have xerophobia. This can also carry with it a fear of dying of thirst, and a trauma associated with being denied water.
Genuphobia – Fear of Knees and Kneeling
Similar to the term “genuflect” those who hate sexy Catholic school girl uniforms, or the sight of knees in general, including their own are genuphobic. Sometimes severe religious practices can cause it, or experiencing a major knee injury. The fear is often of the pain that can come from an unprotected knee.
Chaetophobia – Fear of Hair
Nearly every man who has shared his shower with a long-haired woman knows a bit about this. Specifically a fear of hair, some people are fine with hair that is attached, but become terrified of loose hair existing in the wild.
Asymmetriphobia – Fear of Asymmetrical Things
Tony Shaloub’s character “Monk” had many markers of this fear. What’s comical about it isn’t the fear itself, but how it presents. Usually mismatched socks, gloves, or earrings tend to set these people off, making watching baseball impossible for them; and not just because it’s insufferably boring.
Philophobia – Fear of Love
These sufferers tend to often be quite sad, since they fear any kind of emotional attachment. They prefer to either use people, or be used themselves, which isn’t comedic in the slightest.
Globophobia – Fear of Balloons
Taken literally, this phobia can be of anything round or globe-shaped, but it specifically refers not only to balloons, but to the popping sound balloons make when burst.
Kinemortophobia – Fear of Zombies
While most of us avoid The Walking Dead because it’s gloomy and terrible, kinemortophobics won’t watch it because it’s full of zombies. They’re also afraid of people they know becoming zombies, and can be quite paranoid about it, meaning they shouldn’t be part of your apocalypse team.
Ereuthophobia – Fear of Blushing/Red
Sometimes this is a generalized fear of the color red, but more often it shows up as a terror when a person blushes. Believed to often be tied to diseases or bloodshed, the funny fear over ruddy cheeks can come from a dark, Dexter-esque place.
Anatidaephobia – Fear of Being Watched by A Duck
We’ve all seen cartoon ducks, but what if Daffy or Donald was watching you? This isn’t a fear that manifests only when ducks or geese are present, instead showing up at all times, causing the person to constantly worry that a duck knows what they are doing at all times; smiling in that lipless way, and waiting.
Pteridophobia – Fear of Ferns
Geliophobia – Fear of Laughter
People who are worried about their teeth tend to be frightened of laughing, lest they show their shame to the world. Even hearing others laugh can inspire shame and anxiety.
Ostraconophobia – Fear of Shellfish
Crabs, lobsters, oysters, and clams are to be avoided at all costs around these folks. They believe that those who misbehave go to Maine after they die. Actually, most of us should be afraid of that.
Aulophobia – Fear of Flutes
Though less persistent these days, flute fear often was caused by PTSD in the early days of warfare, when fife players were common on the battlefield.
Deipnophobia – Fear of Dinner Parties
A strange phobic reaction that came from societies too full of rules, many individuals became utterly afraid of carrying on a conversation while dining, as the thought of either seeing chewed food or breaking a social more sent them into isolation until after the meal was done.
Metrophobia – Fear of Poetry
Don’t compare these people to a summer’s day. Don’t send them odes. Whatever you do, don’t drag them to your dirty limerick competition. They fear metered writing and given how much of it is complete agony to hear, no one blames them.
Pentheraphobia – Fear of Your Mother In-Law
If you have this, might we suggest divorce as a cure? Certainly, poisoning her is out of the question…right?
Venustraphobia – Fear of Beautiful Women
Going beyond a set of sweaty palms and a little bit of stammering when faced with a pretty lady, those who toil under this malady avoid attractive women at all costs, mostly by spending a lot of time in Detroit.
Geniophobia – Fear of Chins
Like the fear of knees, there’s something about chins that give these people pause, as it looks too much like a vulnerable spot to be injured. Trauma around the jaw often brings this about.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – Fear of Long Words
Which they can never tell anyone they have without succumbing to panic.
Oikophobia – Fear of Home Surroundings
This is the opposite of xenophobia, which is the fear of anything different. Here, people are terrified of the familiar. The more quaint and cozy something is, the less they trust it.
Omphalophobia – Fear of the Navel
Anyone who’s spent a little time really exploring their own navel will probably understand this fear. That’s a dark, grim, cavernous pit of foulness right in the middle of your body that is better left alone and should be removed entirely.
Pogonophobia – Fear of Beards
Pogonophobics are frightened of what you’re hiding behind those whiskers, even though they logically know the answer is bits of food.
Ergophobia – Fear of Work
Web writers in particular have this to a great degree and should be allowed to go on disability as a result.
Nomophobia – Fear of Losing Mobile Phone Service
If you end up with no bars and that causes untold terror, welcome to the club.
Turophobia – Fear of Cheese
These people are sick and should be put out of their misery. Honestly, erotophobia would be easier to live with.