A surefire way to know how solid your friendship is with someone is to hit them with a few good roasts. Today, we help you tailor your verbal devastation with 90 good roasts to leave your friends (and your haters) in tatters.View in gallery
Here’s the beauty of brutal honesty: If you can both give it and take it, then you know that friendship is solid as a rock. You can give the middle finger to social convention because taking the piss out of each other in creative ways is the real test of a good friend.
Related Reading: The Best Yo Mama Jokes
And for everyone else, well, sometimes it’s fun to have a laugh at the expense of someone who deserves it!
Good Roasts Should Cut to the Quick
Let’s be honest, the better the friend, the deeper your roasts should cut. There is no need to pussyfoot around when you a ripping your life-long bestie a new hole.
If you want to be the master of throwing good roasts, then you have to learn to go in hard, fast, and without mercy. With that said, nobody likes a friend who gives a good roast but cannot take one back. So whenever you try and throw around some roast jokes, just be prepared to get it back again, most likely multiple fold.
Remember Good Roasts are not the Start of an ArgumentView in gallery
While good roasts certainly sound like angry tirades directed towards a single individual, however, it’s important that everybody involved understands the deep-seated good intentions of such words.
They are not spoken to cause an argument or any long-term offense. Being a roaster comes with great power. But with it comes a layer of responsibility. You can’t just bust out a roast on anybody at any time.
You need to play it cool. Wait for the right moment, and then strike.
If that wasn’t enough, roasting someone isn’t an easy task. Thankfully, we’ve got you covered. Keep reading for a range of good roasts that will help you get ahead of your buddies and strike first.
It’s just like Sensei Krease says, strike first, strike hard, and show no mercy.
Sharing is Caring – 25 Savage Roasts that Bring so Much JoyView in gallery
When you are planning on roasting someone, it’s perfectly acceptable to wing it … for a time.
However, even the best comedians go on stage with a plan. A backup strat just in case things don’t go the way they want.
You wouldn’t want your roast to fall flat on its face at the first insult, would you? I didn’t think so.
Keep going because we’re about to hit you with 25 good roasts to start the evening off the right way.
1. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if I throw a stick, you fetch the bastard and bring it back.
2. Before we start, dude, you’ve got something on your chin … no, not that one … nope, keep going.
3. If your brain was made of dynamite, you couldn’t even blow your nose!
4. I’m not saying you’re boring, but if you’re a fucking gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake!
5. You and I go way back, and you’ve always been annoying. I mean, you even used to make your happy meal cry.
6. We’ve been happily married for three months; shame it’s taken ten years to hit that number.
7. I know our son got his brains from you because, well, I still have mine.
8. The only reason I take you everywhere with me is that I’d rather do that than kiss your ugly face goodbye.
9. You love to act stupid. I know because I live with you, you’re naturally way dumber than that.
10. You’re so ugly your face makes onions cry!
11. Roasting you isn’t easy. It’s hard enough to imagine you with a personality.
12. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but you’re the reason God created miscarriages!
13. Give me a minute; I’m trying to think of an insult that’s dumb enough for you to understand!
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14. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but the reason nobody wants to sleep with you is that they don’t want to be prosecuted for animal abuse.
15. You’ve got so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
16. Maybe you should try to eat make-up to improve your ugly personality.
17. I know it looks like I’m listening to you, but really I’m just visualizing duck tape over your mouth.
18. This will be the first and last roast of the night, as we’ve already used up your entire vocabulary.
19. Do you know the best part about being your friend? Not having to see you all the time.
20. You’re the reason the gene pool should really have lifeguards.
21. The only way you’d get hurt from doing exercise would be if you sprained your finger, changing the channel.
22. Some might call you a smart ass, others a dumb ass; I say you’re just an ass.
23. It’s a parents job to raise their children right. So looking at you, it’s no wonder your dad quit after just one day.
24. Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.
25. There’s somebody out there for everybody. For you, it’s a psychiatrist.
When Mean Isn’t Enough – 25 Good Roasts for HatersView in gallery
There is more to good roasts than just saying something rude or horrible. The barbs you throw need to be laced with a venom that is personal to the person being roasted.
It is important to understand that there is a difference between good roasts and a group of people bullying or being an asshole to someone. If you can walk that line, then you are going to be a great roastmaster.
It only takes one sentence to throw out good roasts. Remember, however, that the best insults are not the ones that are intended to offend. The best roasts teach people about the roastee. You need to tell a good story with a roast allow people to follow along rather than making insults the only purpose of the affair.
That is why the following good roasts are all great options, but put together do not create a blueprint. Instead, you should use them as inspiration for your own barbed observations. There is a reason why good roasts are given by good friends rather than random strangers.View in gallery
From spicy words to good comebacks, here are the best roasts to lash at your haters:
26. You’re so annoying; it’s because of you God gave us all a middle finger.
27. You’re like the first slice of bread in a loaf. You get touched by everybody but wanted by none.
28. I’m sorry that this roast uses your entire vocabulary.
29. I would explain all of these roasts to you, but I forgot to bring you an English to dumbass dictionary.
30. The only reason someone would go down on you is in the hope that your clitoris was an off button.
31. You’re more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
32. I’m not saying you’re a commitment-phobe, but baby, my phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
33. I don’t want to be mean, but babe, my hair straightener is hotter than you are.
34. I was going to stand here and make a joke about your life, but hey, it looks like life got there first.
35. It must be fun to wake up each morning knowing that you are that much closer to achieving your dreams of complete and utter mediocrity.
36. You’re such a momma’s boy, but newsflash, that makes you a son, not a sun, so stop thinking the earth revolves around you.
37. Accidents happen; the proof is sitting right there.
38. You’re so irritating you should come with a warning label
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39. Everyone is entitled to one, but yours is always the incorrect opinion.
40. Whenever you open your mouth, it’s like, ‘Woah, somebody took too many drugs this morning.’
41. Every day I hope you get your chapstick confused with a glue stick so I can get a bit of peace and quiet.
42. You’re like the human version of athlete’s foot – annoying and hard to get rid of.
43. If you ever feel suicidal, at least you can jump off your own ego.
44. If your mum got given one piece of bad advice, it was not to swallow.
45. I believe you can achieve anything. Look around you; there are remarkably dumb people everywhere who you could aspire to be.
46. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but my baby’s diaper rash is nicer to look at.
47. We’ve been best friends a long time, but you’re the reason they put external use only on shampoo bottles.
48. And the best part of our relationship is the fact that you are no longer in it.
49. It’s not that you’re annoying; it’s just that I’d liken you to the human version of period cramps.
50. Your only chance of getting laid is if you were to crawl inside a chicken’s butt and wait.
Brutal Roasts to Leave Your Friends in HystericsView in gallery
When you start to venture down the path of roasting, you need to prepare yourself. Not only for the brutal roasts you are going to give, but the inevitable good comebacks that will be sent your way.
Roasting is very much a give-and-take affair, especially when you are with good and close friends. Even the comedy central roast team, you turn on each other from time to time, or the roastee would fire back with a few quips of their own.
If anything, you want your good roasts to be met with good comebacks because that helps to further strengthen the bonds between you. Thus allowing your savage roasts to increase in their intensity.View in gallery
That said, let’s take a look now at some brutally good roasts that will leave people squirming in their seats.
51. You’re not that ugly, I guess. I mean, my middle finger gets a boner every time it sees you!
52. I bet I could remove 90% of your good looks with a moist towelette.
53. I’m so sorry if my brutal honesty inconvenienced your overinflated sense of self.
54. It’s not that I don’t listen to you when you talk. It’s just that there is only so much stupid information I can process in one go.
55. I’m not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the world revolves around the sun and not you.
56. You might look attractive, but I’d have to put a paper bag over that personality.
57. Everybody brings happiness to a room. You just do it when you leave!
58. You remind me of a cloud; when you disappear, my day gets that much brighter.
59. Your birth certificate should be a letter of apology from Durex.
60. Light travels faster than sound. This must be why you appear bright until you open your mouth.
61. It must be tough to accept that even Donald Trump is more intelligent than you are.
62. Looking at you reminded me to take my contraception. I can’t risk giving birth to someone that ugly.
63. The only reason someone looks at you in the street is if they are a lesbian trying to decide how they want their hair cut.
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64. We were going to roast you, but apparently, it’s not good for the environment to burn trash.
65. You are even more useless than the ‘ueue’ in queue.
66. I would call you an idiot, but that would be a horrible insult to stupid people everywhere.
67. Have you ever tried putting makeup on your toast to try and make your personality prettier?
68. Walls may have ears, but count yourself lucky they don’t have mouths because all they would do is laugh at you.
69. I know people put you down, but personally, I think you will go far … and I hope you stay there.
70. When I look at you, I can’t help but wonder, how the hell were you the fastest sperm?
71. If laughter is the best medicine, your face might very well be a cure for cancer!
72. I think I found your purpose in life… to be an organ donor.
73. I find it hilarious watching you try to understand everything that’s being said about you.
74. I’m not saying you’re dumb but a glowstick has a brighter future than you do.
75. I might be fully vaccinated but I’m still not going to hang out with you.
On the Flip Side – Great Comebacks for When Roasting Hits YouView in gallery
If you have ever seen or taken part in a roast, then you will see that sometimes, the roastee strikes back. This is especially important when it’s just a group of friends throwing shade at one another.
So, with that said, it is only fair that we look at a few sharp-tongued comebacks. If only to ensure you don’t walk into the fight completely empty-handed.
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Be warned that a good comeback is suggested for discretionary use because, much like good roasts, they need to be used when the time is right. Telling jokes is fairly straightforward, throwing roasts is a little complicated, but throwing poison-laced retorts is an even greater art form.
76. Use the following comebacks when you feel the time is right, to ensure you leave the roast with more than just emotional scars and crippling self-doubt.
77. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
78. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
79. The real heroes in this world are the ones who live with you.
80. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
81. You are so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.
82. I’ve been called worse by better.
83. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
84. Most mistakes can be fixed, you are the exception that proves the rule.
85. I’ve heard a smarter statement come out in a fart.
86. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family!
87. You tried hard there, so I’m going to give you a participation award.
88. Being a dick to me won’t make yours bigger.
89. Large and in charge is not a synonym for being a fat asshole.
90. The truth will set you free. You suck. Ok, you’re free to go.
Remember that Good Roasts Should Sound ReasonableView in gallery
If you are going to start hurling roast jokes around the room, then you need to ensure they make sense. They need to be relevant to the person you are roasting. That’s what makes it so funny. Roasts are, for all intents and purposes, true. Like a caricature picture drawn down by the beach.
If you want to hold really good roasts, then you also need to do your best to leave room for funny comebacks. The best roasts involve a dialogue between everybody involved. Snarky comebacks and quips make sure everybody involved has a good laugh.
It’s always important to remember that the best insults are spoken in good taste and that while they may sound aggressive and confrontational, the best roasts are held in fun and jest.
Final Thoughts on How to Hold Good Roasts
Whether you are the one throwing the roast or trying desperately to come up with a good comeback for something someone has said, the above list should give you some great ideas.
You need to be brutal, and you must go for the jugular with each barbed line your throw, however, never make it so personal that the fun leaves the room.
Do you have any roast stories that you would like to share? Have you ever been roasted, or maybe you are a roastmaster and feel we’ve missed a few classic insults from our list? The comments are open and we love to hear from you, so go on, don’t be shy.