Stories tell of a man who went his whole life without taking a single drink. He died, able to remember his whole life. He died disappointed and begging for the reaper to claim him. He died having never known joy.
Don’t make the same mistake, and don’t let the people you love suffer in this world alone…and sober. Each of these 19 gifts for the boozer you love will help make their every day, and every cocktail, a little bit brighter.
Craft beers need a home, and you need an insulated way to take your microbrews into the great wide open. Don’t trust the delicate balance to anything but a quality growler. Purchase: $10
Bar glasses are all nice, and having a set you like is an important part of drinking, but they’re hard to personalize. If you start putting puns onto your highball glass, you’re turning it into an office coffee mug. The key to striking a balance between decorative and tacky is to find a subtle, discreet way to show off. By having a favorite city – or your hometown – etched into a glass, it gives it distinction better than a name tag. Purchase: $14
Chillbit Drill Attachment
A little bit on the side of low-rent tailgating, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a way to quickly frost a brew. Hopefully you have a drill at home, as basic DIY and existence tasks require it. If you choose to live drill-free, you can get a device that has the spinning motor inside of it. Strap this to your drill, put your beer into ice and spin away. in a minute or so, ice cold beer. Purchase: $15
There’s a few million of these floating around, so they’re rare in some cases, but hardly unique. Art lovers and tipplers will enjoy this little bit of pop art. It’s a conversation piece about the day that painting died and was reborn as palette swapping soup cans. Purchase: $15+
Beer isn’t always going to be well-refrigerated, but you need to imbibe anyhow. Using these fast beer chillers, you can get a bottle from warm and skunky to cool as the other side of the pillow. Also good for days that could be scorching hot, or could drop into overcast, changing the BBQ into a drunken game night. Purchase: $17
For some, this book offers a lifetime of challenge. For others, a slight diversion as their drinking intensifies and the family feels ever more helpless. Includes fun facts and drinking suggestions! Purchase: $18
Watery whiskey is believed to be what ran through the veins of ‘His Excellency, President for Life Field Marshall Al Hadj Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC. Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.’ Which, clearly, will make you give yourself insane titles. Use whiskey stones and you can chill your glass without diluting the flavor. Purchase: $20
In college, we all spent time devising ways to drink a bag of wine in the shower. Many of our creations looked much like the stocking flask, albeit ours were monstrosities cobbled together with the help of Intro to Psych, sativa, and Ace Hardware. A clever little way to have an extra cocktail hanging around, you can even mull cider by the fire in it. Purchase: $20
Drinkers who want to dose their sangria with lots of fresh fruit wedges, but don’t want to chew their cocktail have a new pal. Get a pitcher that pinches and it will keep the alcohol flowing and leave everything else behind. Purchase: $20+
Picky drinkers can’t enjoy alcohol like normal folks. They like to taste it, savor it, and not try to get it into their bloodstream through their eyeballs. Why they go this route is unknown, but it means that they need all kinds of bitters and syrups when it comes to booze. By giving them a mobile cocktail kit, they’ll be capable of mixing it up at 30,000 feet and annoying the people up there with their pretentiousness. Purchase: $24
And one for the maestro, while you’re at it. Purchase: $25
Iced wine is for trash. Pretty pearls that chill your white wine is pure class. Purchase: $25
There’s a lot of hollow things that could hold booze. But, if they did hold booze, how would you get the booze out? Getting a gourd tap is the answer. Melons, pumpkins, squashes, or anything else you can hollow out and poke a hole into can use one of these. Give it to the drunk who is always trying to be “festive.” Purchase: $30
Magnetic Bottle Strip
Strap it to the top of the fridge to hold beer aloft. Purchase: $30
If you need more explanation than the title, you’re in the wrong place. This link will get you to the Cat Fancier’s Association. That should be more your speed. Purchase: $35
Bathtub Gin Kit
You can brew your own beer, and make your own wine. If you choose to do the second, you can get some strong apple wine with basic 100% cider and yeast. Really, not the worst thing you’ll ever drink, either. What you can’t do is distill higher proof spirits. The reason being, it’s dangerous and often leads to fires and property destruction. To say nothing of loss of life, harmful distillation that makes people blind, poor quality control, and questionable ingredients. There are some you can make versions of at home, and gin is one such item. Though “bathtub” gin is a nasty nickname, it’s possible to create quite the quaff with a home kit. Purchase: $50
Personalized Whiskey Barrel
Being able to stash your stash in a place that bears your vaunted name shows you have truly arrived. Whiskey is wonderful alone, but when made our unequivocal territory, it somehow becomes sweeter. No it doesn’t, but the barrel looks nice on a shelf. Purchase: $65
Flavored Simple Syrup
Simple syrup is just that: simple. After a few years, it’s natural to want a little more variety in the basic. Adding a little extra spice and sizzle to the basic syrup is a handy way to handle that. Instead of reinventing the wheel, it lets drinkers enjoy a re-tread.
Southern Comfort Gingerbread Spice
Pumpkin spice is for people who hate happiness and can sup only on the pain of unicorns. Gingerbread, however, when mixed up with the peach schnapps sweetness of the only comfort we’ve known in this life is a tasty treat. You’ll be happy to rediscover this each holiday season, and escape the Egg Nog hell.